Squeezing the Penguin

Slapping the salmon.

Peeling the potato.

Rolling the dough.

Petting the Pomeranian.

Thinking of Megan Fox.


So I'm in the shitter taking a shit and playing Midnight Bowling 2 on my cell phone. I can't hit a strike, but by God I can hit a split every freaking time!

It's quiet, just me and Mr. Plop Plop and my game I can't fucking win.

Then I hear this tink-tink-tink-tink-tink from the stall next to me.

I listen for a second. Then I cough.

Tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink. It's the jingle of the guy's watch, tinking over and over in steady rhythm.

I cough again, maybe he didn't hear me. I snort. I blow my nose.

Tink-tink-TINKTINKTINKTINK TIIIIIIIIINK... tink tink tink.

Ah fuck, I heard him splooge his wad in the toilet. You know the sound. You were teenagers once. No mistaking that happy squirt and grunt.

Fuck fuck FUCK I heard it.

He wiped once and stood up. You know the drill.

I wanted to bang on the stall and tell him to stop but I had a good shit going and I didn't want to give it up.

I saw him washing his hands. It's this guy about 60, white hair, Caucasian, pot belly, wearing a tape measure on his belt, one of our facilities guys.

Ack ack ack! Shit.

My girl said, Good for him. Impressive for a man that age to still be able to get it up.

I said, It ain't so impressive if you're sitting in the stall next to him.


- Saul

Global and Domestic Complainers

It really fucking pisses me off when everyone criticises the U.S. for being first on the scene to EVERY FUCKING PROBLEM ON THE PLANET! Domestic and foreign (including Haitian) critics are saying we are sending too much military presence into Port-au-Prince in response to the earthquake. Who the fuck do they think is going to set up and control distribution of food, water, and medical aid/supplies?!?!?!?!? The US military has always responded to humanitarian needs around the globe. It's the largest volunteer organization on the planet. Red cross hardly ever goes anywhere without a military force with them. Who do they think is setting up the temporary hospitals, supplying the heavy equipment and engineers to clear and rebuild that rat-hole of a fucking country to begin with?? And weren't the people in Haiti starving before the earthquake? Wasn't the Haitian government barely functional before the earthquake? This is gonna be New Orleans all over again. The US military and emergency response departments are going to be labeled as brutes and idiots using the "wrong" tactics to respond to a disaster. I think we should pull our military out of Haiti, fly the finger and wish them luck with the U.N. and watch the chaos. Stupid fucking critics.

-Army of One

Smoking the Ham

Rubbing the Magic Lamp

Wrestling the Silverback

Left-Handed French Curl

Cranking the Hedge Trimmer

Training the Spartan

Squeezing the Charmin

Slapping the Monkey

Honking the Horn (beep-beep)

Tanning the Hide

Greasing the Pig

Ringing the Liberty Bell

-Army of One

What the hell is a half marathon?

A half-marathon?

Are you kidding me?

A HALF marathon?

Come on. That's like a HALF blow job.

"Hey, baby, here's a half twenty for your half blow job. It wasn't half bad. My lower half offers you half a thanks."

"You're half welcome, now get half the fuck off me and quit half humping my thigh."

A half marathon. What the fuck is that, anyway, and who'd want to half run one of em...

In fact, if you half run a full marathon, is that a three quarter marathon? What if you run 50% faster on you half marathon, or walk a third and run the rest? Can you get a five-sevenths marathon?

And don't get me started on half triathlons and half iron mans (aka aluminum mans).


- Saul

Things that should be disposable after one use, but aren't.

Number 1 on the list is toilet plungers. Who the fuck wants to keep that thing in the house after you just did what you just did with it? It doesn't matter if you hose it down with Lysol, bleach, or set it on fire, it still is and always will be the big fucking wooden spoon that just stirred a giant steaming pot of shit chili with corn in it. Fucking nasty.

Number 2 is bath loofahs. Loofahs go places where NO ONE wants to go. They actually frighten me when I'm visiting someone's house and see one hanging in the guest bath a few feet from me. Where has it been?...what horrors has it seen?..did it just move? And I know...you know...we all know that loofahs never see soap unless its about to scrub someones ass, balls, and armpits. Then it's hung up wet awaiting the next round of abuse and humiliation. Gross.

Number 3 is kitchen sponges. Come on, you know you look at that gnarled blue or green scotchbrite with food embedded clear to middle of the fucking thing and think "that's nasty". Then you wash your plates and glasses with it and put them in your cabinet to ferment for a few days before you eat or drink from them. Then you put that germ filled petri dish back on the sink feeling soiled and guitly for doing what you just did. Honestly, I don't even like to use new sponges, because they're just fucking gross.

-Army of One

It's beginning...

It's beginning to feel a lot like Fuck Nuts...

The snow

and ice

and the rat

Wheeling around behind me on his treadmill

The Pom

is in

my lap...


- Saul

Flavored Lubricants

All right, who the fuck thought of flavored lubricants?

What fucking genius was sitting around watching porn, smoking the ham, when he said, "You know, I bet this stuff would taste great!"

He licked his palm. Didn't taste great.

"I'll add some cherry flavor!" he said.

So he rubbed some cherry-flavored NyQuil on his palm, greased up, and fed the bull by hand.

By cherry-flavored hand.

You ever tasted that shit? It tastes like tinted baby oil.

And don't get me started on the dumb shit who invented edible panties. I mean, how fucking sick can you be.


- Saul

You are my frustration

You are my frustration.

I hate you. I detest you. I want to rip out your lungs, stuff them up your ass, and make you sing to me while I press my thumbs into your eyes.


- Saul