51% Cool

What's 51% cool?

51% cool are those guys who are borderline cool, but can swing both ways. They're 49% uncool, dork, nerd, goof and spoof.

They're cool, but they're on the edge.

Kurt Russel is my all-time favorite 51% cool guy. Watch Big Trouble in Little China and tell me he's not 51% cool.

My next favorite is Harrison Ford. Indy and Han Solo were both 51% cool, 49% goof.

After that I'd list Arnold Swarz., Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), Jackie Chan, and we'll give honorable mention to Brett Favre, who for no other than There's Something About Mary makes the list of 51%-ers.

Oh, and anyone who posts on Pointless Threads. Yeah, you, you, and definitely you, you're on the list.


- Saul

Merrrrry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Christmas Christmas Christmas!

There, I said it out loud!

Jesus is Lord! Praise be to God!

Said that, too! And I'd be proud to say it in any country on this planet.

If that offends you, get the fuck off my blog.


- Saul

How to Curse in Front of Children

I have kids. That's why knowing how to curse in front of them is important to me.

See, you can't say, "Goddammit, fuck, shit hell hell HELL!" to your four year-old.

You gotta modify that. It should come out something more like, "Fracking macking summinnah MONKEY!"

"Holy SHIT!" becomes "Holy SNAP!" or "Holy SCHNIKIES!" or "Holy MONKEY!"

They pick up on things. My son said the other day, "That damned dog!"

See what I mean? He'd heard me say that about the dog, and so now he thought it was all right to say, "damn." At least he didn't say, "If that dog fucking shits on my fucking carpet one more fucking time, I'm gonna rip his fucking lungs out his ass and bury him in the fucking woods."

Nope. He just said, "That damned dog."

When you have kids, it's all about self-control.


- Saul

Favorite Movie Death Scenes

My first favorite movie death scene is from "Mission to Mars," where Tim Robbins' head freezes. Only if that had been Alec Baldwin would I have been more moved.

My second favorite movie death scene is from "Jurassic Park," where the lawyer gets chomped. That's one bill you don't have to pay!

I kinda like it in "Silverado" when Jeff Goldbloom gets stabbed.

Of course, we can't forget watching Gene Hackman die in "Unforgiven." I like Gene, though.


- Saul

Stupid Questions Guys Ask Girls

"Are those real?"

It doesn't matter. Nothing fake about titties I can touch. And if you have to ask, you'll never get to the squeeze and bobble test anyway.


"Can I buy you a drink?"

Yes, that's a dumb question. Of course you can buy her a drink. Every girl likes drinks. The real question you should ask is, "Can I stand here and pester you while you drink the drink I'm about to buy you?"


"Am I the biggest you've ever had?"

Gads, why do you even want to know what sized peckers she's shoved in her.


"Am I the best you've ever had?"

Yep. Until she dumps you. Then you're a limpy stump-dick who was a lousy kisser.



- Saul

relarionships

why do i need to fit in? honestly minus about 5 people i dont fucking like people, animals, retards, or most anthing that takes an interest. family members i will figure it out myself so mind your business. animals? i had a dog that was ok. he drank beer, ate pizza. licked his balls and mine if coaxed but the minute he started getting too personal asking all kinds of questions we had issues. let me be honest unless drugs were involved i didnt know what he was saying anyway. women? people? kind of but when you take a dick off of a human being they dont think straight. let me be honest im a big fan of the vagina. its not whats between her ears that im inyerested in but between her legs. hookers i like and strippers because they get it. when they show up they know i want to fuck them and thats it. dating? i dont need that kind of pressure. how long do i have to show you i really care before i can start slowly destroying the relationship? look if a woman leaves me im not hurt but offended. i was going to be the best thing that ever happened to her then let her down and disappoint. its what i do. why would some selfish bitch rob me of the opportunity, no the right to crush her.

Quotes by Unfamous People

"You need to stop stressing out. You're gonna die of a fucking heart attack and everyone is still gonna be stupid." - A guy named Warren.

"Of course it's diesel! Why would my dad put gas is a can marked diesel!?!?" - Person who shared a near-death experience with me when his dad put gas in a can marked diesel.

"The Easter Bunny isn't real." - My asshole brother.

The Power of a Chicken's Foot

I've decided to start carrying a chicken's foot on my key chain just to mess with people. And when they start to say something I don't agree with I'm going to take out the chicken's foot, roll my eyes in the back of my head and start flicking it at them in a slow rhythmic cadence. And every once in a while I will say something enigmatic like, "I am but a servant to a master with a will that is mine." I will hide the occasional dead animal in the building. Sparse chicken feathers will appear in random trash cans around the office. I'll secretly snap pictures of all my co-workers and make a collage of them on my desk with an old bird's nest sitting in front of it. No one is going to fire me because every human mind is filled with a level of reasonable doubt concerning the unknown consequences of their actions against a man carrying a chicken's foot. I will become a powerful and respected man...all because I carry a chickens foot on my key chain. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

-Army of One

Vengeance, it's really kinda fun.

People often say, "Army of One, you're being petty for plotting against those you feel have wronged you." How can people still be surprised if it happens so often? I'm fairly predictable when you piss me off. I mean, maybe telling people I wish they had cancer or that people really would be better off without them has drawn a little criticism in the past. But why beat around the bush when I can beat the crap out of the bush. Confrontational...maybe...hot-headed...definitely...completely out of your mind fucking nuts...only when it's necessary. I have had friends tell me that when I go nuts to let them know because they want to go with me. I'm really a nice guy, but only if I like you.

-Army of One

nobody is real

i often wonder if I'm the only real human being and if everyone else were put here by God to see how i would react. does that eliminate the question of good or bad righteous or evil? maybe or maybe not but if my theory has any truth at all it doesn't matter how my actions impact others lives because they only exist in my existence. if I'm not where you are then you are not. in truth does the world not revolve around me? as a child i pulled the wings off a butterfly and placed it in an ant bed just to watch it be destroyed. why? because Ive got fucking issues you dumb fuck didn't you just read the rest of the disturbing thoughts i put in writing?

Meanings of Names

Looking up the meanings of some names. Here was one that shocked the hell out of me:

Conan -- Gaelic; Wee Doggie, Dog, Hound, Wolf.

WEE DOGGIE! Conan the Barbarian, the Wee Doggie! He'd rip out your heart for calling him that, then he'd eat it while you bled out.


Adolf -- German; Noble, Majestic Wolf.


Barack -- Hebrew; Blessing, Valiant.
Hussein -- Arabic; Small, Good, Handsome.
Obama -- African; Crooked, Bent.

George -- Greek; Farmer.
Herbert -- German; Warrior.
Walker -- English; Walker (no shit!).
Bush -- English; Bush (no shit!).

First the Farmer Warrior with a Walker and a Bush, now the Valiant, Handsome, Crooked one.


Saul -- Hebrew; Prayed For, first king of Israel, the Hebrew name of the Apostle Paul.

And as you might know, Paul was a prolific writer and storyteller! Thus the nom de plume here.


- Saul

Stranded on a desert island

To Lone Wolf, in answer to your question: "What one thing would you want if you were stranded on a desert island?"

One hundred and thirty-three kegs of beer. Brand wouldn't matter, but it'd better be dark, by God.

And we'd need Bro there, too.

You, me, and Bro with one hundred and thirty-three kegs to knock back.

We'd be fucking the local monkeys by the end of number thirteen!

Around keg fifty, we'd discover our inner beauty. We'd fuck that inner beauty around the sixtieth keg. That's because we'd have gotten tired of the island monkeys always telling us no, not tonight, I'm tired, my ass hurts, I have lice, can't you see the lice!

Around keg seventy, we'd construct crude topless dancers out of palm leaves and coconuts.

You and I would give them all our money, but they'd go back to our cave with Bro. Go figure.

Kegs eighty through one hundred would be a naked blur.

After the century keg, one hundred, we'd take a day or two to sober up while we lashed the empty kegs together with vines and what's left of our underwear, forming a seaworthy raft. You'd try to smuggle on a couple of monkeys; you'd say they were for the trip home, but Bro and I would say we're tired of the monkey-loving, leave them.

Taking the leftover thirty-three kegs, we'd make a long trip around the southern tip of South America (I assume we started out in the southern Pacific, around Hawaii, maybe stranded on Maui or something), land in New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras, sell the monkeys you stowed on board anyway, and use the money to pay for some real strippers.

All the girls would go back with Bro, but what the hell -- it beats coconuts!


- Saul Mighty

The TSA

Is this government agency a joke or a cruel government social program? I can't believe the latest ass clownery with these guys. The security screening manual is leaked out and now everything you want to know about beating that screening is available on the web.

I just want to know why I have to wear flip flops, board shorts, a t-shirt and all have all my shit in zip lock bags or 3.5 oz. containers if I want to make it through the screening line in less than ten minutes. And, is the attitude from these paste eating, window licking assholes really necessary? I understand that they have a job to do, but how about a damn smile every once in a while? If you hate your job, then find another one or set yourself on fire... I don't care which you do, just stop being an ass.

Famous women that remind me of men

First and foremost is Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. What low-rent third world sweat-shop Ugly factory made that fucking head?!? Come on Douglas, you didn't see that fucking coming?? You bang a chick that looks like Wile E. Coyote and I guaran-fucking-tee you that you are the only motherfucker on her speed dial. And during the sex scenes I wasn't sure if Michael Douglas was banging a woman or Dr Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've seen steamier shit swirling around in the old porcelain pressure cooker. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to all the way to the bone...woof.

And tell me Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't look like Dee Fucking Snider from Twisted Sister... Yeah, we ain't gonna take it...even if she offered it.

-Army of One

Captain James T. Fucknuts

Yep, you all know him. He's the guy with the Harley shirt that reads, "Nothing fake about titties I can touch."

He's the guy who holds up both hands and yells, "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! No, no, really, fuck ~you~!"

He's the guy who says, "Surely a man who can drink one beer can drink two. And if two, why not three. Four you'll hardly taste, and what's a fifth beer after that? Six is just 20% more than five, you pussy, surely you can drink 20% more beer."

Ad naseum.

That, dear friends, is Capt. James T. Fucknuts at work.


- Saul T. Fucknuts

Mixed Cliches

Mixing Cliches...

"Why buy the milk, when you can whip a dead horse."

"If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me their two cents."

"Love thy neighbor is all about location, location, location."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But remember that doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity."

"He bent over backwards, and got caught with his pants down."

"She chewed the fat, then blew chunks."

"You can't put your best foot forward if you put your foot in your mouth."

"If you can't make heads or tails of it, you might make an arse of yourself."

"One good turn deserves another. Unless you're on the Highway to Hell."

"Make a break for it, keep your eyes open, say your prayers, and run like a cat on a hot tin roof."

"I changed horses in mid-stream, and wound up whipping a dead horse."

"If love is blind, how can beauty be in the eye of the beholder?"

"If you want to test the waters, take a long walk off a short pier. Or, better yet, go jump off a bridge."

"If the monkeys are running the zoo, does that mean the 800 pound gorilla is in charge?"

"A kick in the butt is worth two in the bush."

"I put the horse before the cart, and traveled back in time."

"Looking out from the bowels of the Earth, it was bright as a full moon."

"I put on my monkey suit, and practiced the laws of the jungle."

"If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me their two cents..."

"Let's get down & dirty," she said.

So I threw mud in her eye.

"Live and learn, or die trying."

"He had an axe to grind in his pants."

"Oil is thicker than blood."

"Don't have a cow. Let them eat cake."

"Like trying to hit paydirt in a bottomless pit."

"I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Then I climbed it because it was there."

"The heartless wench loved him from the bottom of her cold, dead heart."

"Wake up and smell the roses."

"Don 't make me open up a can of worms on your ass!"

"Don't look a dead horse in the mouth."

"Keep your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds."

"It's always darkest before the calm before the storm."

"She crossed my mind on her way to my heart."

"That dude has more loose screws than you can shake a stick at."

"It's on the tip of my forked tongue."

"It never hurts to try again."

"One bad monkey in the barrel spoils the whole bunch."

"She's penny wise, and pound foolish. So I gave her a penny for her thoughts."

"Gimme a hand that feeds me."

"He was blind as a bat out of hell."

"Now what would happen if you wore a bleeding heart on your sleeve?"

"When the sh.t hits the fan, make lemonade."

"Honesty is the best policy, the truth hurts, and pain is gain. Ergo, honest people are larger."

"The early worm gets eaten. Only the lazy worms survive."

"My heart sank and left my head swimming."

"I got ears like an eagle." (that's a ripoff from a movie saw a long, long time ago)

"Kill em all with kindness, and let God sort em out."

"I wonder if Cupid is blind in one eye, and can't see out the other? Get it? Love is blind. Okay, this one's stupid."

"Let sleeping dogs lie. They're dog tired."

"He's faster than a sweating bullet."

"Don't put all your eggs on your face."

"While he was sh.tting in the woods, the bear saw a drunk skunk, an eager beaver, a sly fox, and, shockingly, a holy cow."


"She had a bee in her bonnet
and ants in her pants."

"I wonder if, when he's in the woods, a bear knows sh.t from shinola."

"Every time things come up roses, I realize every rose has its thorns."

"History repeats itself because hindsight is 20/20."

"He was on-the-ball, but he was thinking with the wrong head."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman with her biological clock ticking."

...


I was on Route 666, the Highway to Hell, when I came to a fork in the road. I stepped out of my hand basket and checked the fork to my right.

That was the road less traveled.

To my left stretched a straight, well-worn path, paved with good intentions.

I climbed back in my hand basket and took the road less-traveled.

It didn't matter, though, because all roads lead to Rome.

...

- Saul

What's in your ZPK (Zombie Preparedness Kit)?

So, um, what's in your Zombie Preparedness kit?

I have a machete, a case of beer, some beef jerky, running shoes with blue sole inserts, extra underwear, and about 25' of nylon rope.

I figure I can cut off their heads with the machete (no need to worry about bullets!), drink a beer, keep my strength with the jerky, outrun them with the shoes, keep the extra undies in case I shit my pants, and use the rope to tie up one of the girl zombies for when I get lonely.

- Saul